and with that, another chapter ends...

...and a new one begins.

I’m back in Milpitas -_____-

Coming back to Milpitas, everything feels strikingly familiar, and yet everything has changed. The streets are the same, I can still drive them in my sleep, but the trees, the stores, the street signs, all look … different. In my four years away, it’s as if the city grew up, and I simultaneously grew up, somewhere else. That seems to be the story of my life, as I can never situate myself in one location long enough for it to define me… I’m not a small town, little suburbs girl from the Bay Area, I’m not a cosmopolitan girl from Hong Kong or Taipei, nor am I a surfer girl from La Jolla. And I’m definitely not a Beijing local. Talk about identity crisis. Each city, town, and place, played such a crucial part in molding me. And yet, I belong to none. Each city I make my home for a short while, does not care that I’m there, gives no regard to me leaving, and simply continues growing… developing… without me.

It thus seems safe for me to say, I come back to my hometown, Milpitas, and feel displaced. I cannot find a place for myself here. It’s too small, too within the box, too cookie-cutter Asian family dream. “I live in the suburbs, in the Silicon Valley, I drive a Lexus, I own a two-story house, my kids go to one of the UCs.” Hm. Sound familiar? Sadly yes. And I refuse to compile with these rules.

So what then am I? After each experience, people always ask me… so did you change? Any answer but ‘yes’ would be a complete lie. But when I search for concrete words to describe exactly what’s different, I come up empty. There are really no words to describe how I feel, what I feel, and what’s changed. It’s precisely this inability to conjure up explanations that threw me into depression 2 years ago coming back from Hong Kong. Being a bit more ‘cultured’ and a tad less ignorant this time around, I hope this drop back into America, this reverse culture shock, doesn’t leave me anti-social, with a constant desire to sleep, and with an urgency but inability to cry. I could attempt to document here how I feel, what’s changed, etc etc. But this is an daunting task, I will not even attempt, knowing I will come up short. This is all to say that, I come back to Milpitas a completely different person than when I left 4.5 years ago. Some things won’t change. I’m still short and tiny (although I’ve undoubtedly gained weight since I was 18), I’m still Chinese-American (although back then I probably did not identify with the Chinese part), I still adamantly love Jesus, I …, I … guess that’s it. At least from my perspective.

I hate the idea of having to move home, in my mind, I’ve seen so much, learned so much, experienced so much, only to end up where I started. As much as I feel like an outsider in this city, I don't have another option right now, unless my dream job blatantly falls in front of my face.

I’ve thought about it for the past few months... constantly, and haven’t spared any brain cells, trying to figure out what’s next. An MBA seems possible, ideal perhaps, but not without a more focused direction. An MBA entails too much to just pursue blindly. An MBA from a school in China? That seems more focused, right? But hold that thought. Do I really want to spend another 2 years in school. Freakin, I’ll be 25 by the time I graduate. -____- I’m all too eager to start working, to start striving for my ambitions. I’m tired of being kept within the limits, and yet those ‘limits’ scream at me daily, telling me that I am only 22, inexperienced, naïve, ignorant, careless, and prideful. And then there’s the part of me, that doesn’t even want to work. I just want to travel the world, see things, meet people, eat good food. Because I know once I get caught up in dreams, there is no slowing down. Businesses do not start, only to have their staff disappear for a year or two, to ‘have fun,’ and pick up where they left off. Thus, a 6-month trip around Southeast Asia is something I’m saving money for. The quicker it can happen, the better, so I’m looking into different means to have a job, without being tied down. Nothing that will keep from wanting to drop everything and leave for half a year. In my head, this is just as impractical as it sounds written down. But one of my worst fears is complacency. Complacency in work, complacency in relationships, complacency in life. The idea of settling on something because it’s safe and comfortable, hindering me from pursuing something bigger, better, the best, chills me to the bones.

Shoot, once again a tiny little update has turned into me spewing out thoughts right and left.

In brief, life as it looks now: chill in Milpitas, spend some time in self-improvement, meaning I am going to finally start cooking, and baking, and cleaning my room. :D I’m going to develop good habits, and go from there. I’m going to train for another marathon, which is happening June 6 in San Diego. I’m going to rediscover my love for leisure reading. I’m going to sew things. I’m going to draw more. And I’m going to figure out a master plan for my business. All while trying to save money for my 6 month trip, and mini trips in between. My ideology in life is to always aim high believing that it will all fall into place. Yes, aiming high means constantly being let down, failing expectations, what not. But better that then not living to my potential.

I suppose in a few years I will be back in China. God willing. With a business plan in motion. But for now, it will be a nomad, wandering around to the wherever I feel led. Until I return to China, or perhaps Asia in general, this will be my last piece of writing here. I had the time of my life there. And I can’t believe that it’s been 2 months already since I’ve left. That’s 1/3 of the total time I was there :O The highlights in short:

• successfully working in China, and biking 10+ miles to get there
• becoming a skilled bargainer, for the most part… until the shopkeepers angry faces started getting scary
• having some great classmates to push my Chinese beyond where I ever thought it would be
• maintaining a rather regular exercise regime despite everyone beforehand telling me running in Beijing would be impossible, which became true when it started freezing
• traveling to random parts of China with great friends
• regularly being able to attend an International Church, and meeting some of the most amazing people ever
• discovering that Beijing has some ridiculously cute coffee shops, contrary to popular belief… I mean my beliefs
• getting over how dirty street food is, having diarrhea for like 3 weeks, and then being able to eat whatever I wanted

It really was a grand time. No trip is without its ups and downs but without a doubt, the goods outweigh the bad.

The final set of pictures. (I lost my camera a month before I came back. I assume some Chinese person has it now :C but likely everyone else has cameras and flash drives)

the dish on the right is one of my favorites at one of my favorite restaurant

another really good restaurant. Kro's Nest.

why is food in China so good and so cheap?! take me back! please. Korean BBQ.

went snowboarding for the first time ever in Beijing...

one of my favorite signs. number 11 -- i can relate and so does the saying pride comes before a fall

i naively believed the second time around would be easier....

smoked hookah for the first time.. it's overrated

China came out with a non Disney Mulan. good, but hella Chinese propaganda

@ a Chinese movie theater smushed between my two favorites

China's Christmas spirit is a little weak, but in foreign populated areas they do alright..

our own little christmas party. keke. i think we're pretty cute in red.

homemade festive chocolate chip cookies... took Audrey and I all afternoon to make

I could have seen this lake in Beihai freeze over if I stayed in Beijing a TAD longer..

last trip to my favorite street in Beijing - Nanluoguxiang

and of course the trip is not complete without our favorite desserts

I have some ridiculously cute friends from church who threw Malissa and I a surprise farewell party. It wasn't so much of a surprise, but it's the thought that counts, right? [pictures from that night follow]

Suwen. BFFFFFF. not only an amazing cook, stuffed animal maker, painter, but an amazing friend.

you guys are precious <3

Ah. Reliving sophomore year poker playing frenzy. No party is complete without a game of poker

and some really bad dancing -___- hahha.

My favorite. Best friend! and workout buddy. and a really bad secret keeper

My other favorite!

I seriously do not know how I would have survived without Audrey. BIG HEART.

I hope that my time abroad has made me into a better person, with a bigger world view, a more compassionate heart, a more cultured brain, and everything else good. I hope that the city will continue growing, flourishing... without me (as I know it will), but when I return, I hope that it welcomes me back with loving arms. Because there really is much love in China. With this all said... Peace out… until China sees me again. <3

I'm back in California!