Genesis 12:1-4

“The Lord had said to Abram, “Leave your country, your people and your father’s household and go to the land I will show you.

“I will make you into a great nation and I will bless you.
I will make your name great, and you will be a blessing.
I will bless those who bless you, and whoever curses you I will curse; and all peoples on earth will be blessed through you.”
So Abram left, as the Lord had told him.”

If a friend asked me to jump off a bridge, I’d ask ‘why?’ and probably respond ‘heck no.’ but if God told me to jump off a bridge, my reaction should be something different. Considering I view God in a higher esteem than a friend. I’m no Abram, but if God wants me in China…

Abraham is one of my favorite people in the Bible. To even have the slightest amount of faith he had…
I don’t think my moving to China can be separated from my relationship with God. A comprehensive people pleasing answer to why I’m moving to China has often been ‘China’s where it’s at right now, and that’s where I want to develop my career.’ But honestly when it comes down to it…

I’ve prayed. I’ve listened. I’ve read. And I’ve decided. If God wants me in China, China, I’m coming.

It’s crazy, the moment I decided to stop my own planning, everything fell into place. The money, the visa, the approval, even the lack of fear. Perhaps, this comes off to some as a naïve decision, but if I crash and burn… I crash and burn, and will have learned something. Abraham would never have fathered the nations the way he did if he stayed put.

In a month, I’m taking off on a 19 day trip around Europe. I’m considering this my pre-career vacation. And then shortly after… I’m jumping.

There's many more thoughts on this matter. Consider this a pre-long post warning.

Why these two pictures? Life is like a marathon. Training is tough, the race isn't any easier, but the end is filled with the satisfaction of completing it. The marathon this year kicked my butt, but it only makes me want to work harder, train harder. Same goes for life.

Much Love.

and with that, another chapter ends...

...and a new one begins.

I’m back in Milpitas -_____-

Coming back to Milpitas, everything feels strikingly familiar, and yet everything has changed. The streets are the same, I can still drive them in my sleep, but the trees, the stores, the street signs, all look … different. In my four years away, it’s as if the city grew up, and I simultaneously grew up, somewhere else. That seems to be the story of my life, as I can never situate myself in one location long enough for it to define me… I’m not a small town, little suburbs girl from the Bay Area, I’m not a cosmopolitan girl from Hong Kong or Taipei, nor am I a surfer girl from La Jolla. And I’m definitely not a Beijing local. Talk about identity crisis. Each city, town, and place, played such a crucial part in molding me. And yet, I belong to none. Each city I make my home for a short while, does not care that I’m there, gives no regard to me leaving, and simply continues growing… developing… without me.

It thus seems safe for me to say, I come back to my hometown, Milpitas, and feel displaced. I cannot find a place for myself here. It’s too small, too within the box, too cookie-cutter Asian family dream. “I live in the suburbs, in the Silicon Valley, I drive a Lexus, I own a two-story house, my kids go to one of the UCs.” Hm. Sound familiar? Sadly yes. And I refuse to compile with these rules.

So what then am I? After each experience, people always ask me… so did you change? Any answer but ‘yes’ would be a complete lie. But when I search for concrete words to describe exactly what’s different, I come up empty. There are really no words to describe how I feel, what I feel, and what’s changed. It’s precisely this inability to conjure up explanations that threw me into depression 2 years ago coming back from Hong Kong. Being a bit more ‘cultured’ and a tad less ignorant this time around, I hope this drop back into America, this reverse culture shock, doesn’t leave me anti-social, with a constant desire to sleep, and with an urgency but inability to cry. I could attempt to document here how I feel, what’s changed, etc etc. But this is an daunting task, I will not even attempt, knowing I will come up short. This is all to say that, I come back to Milpitas a completely different person than when I left 4.5 years ago. Some things won’t change. I’m still short and tiny (although I’ve undoubtedly gained weight since I was 18), I’m still Chinese-American (although back then I probably did not identify with the Chinese part), I still adamantly love Jesus, I …, I … guess that’s it. At least from my perspective.

I hate the idea of having to move home, in my mind, I’ve seen so much, learned so much, experienced so much, only to end up where I started. As much as I feel like an outsider in this city, I don't have another option right now, unless my dream job blatantly falls in front of my face.

I’ve thought about it for the past few months... constantly, and haven’t spared any brain cells, trying to figure out what’s next. An MBA seems possible, ideal perhaps, but not without a more focused direction. An MBA entails too much to just pursue blindly. An MBA from a school in China? That seems more focused, right? But hold that thought. Do I really want to spend another 2 years in school. Freakin, I’ll be 25 by the time I graduate. -____- I’m all too eager to start working, to start striving for my ambitions. I’m tired of being kept within the limits, and yet those ‘limits’ scream at me daily, telling me that I am only 22, inexperienced, naïve, ignorant, careless, and prideful. And then there’s the part of me, that doesn’t even want to work. I just want to travel the world, see things, meet people, eat good food. Because I know once I get caught up in dreams, there is no slowing down. Businesses do not start, only to have their staff disappear for a year or two, to ‘have fun,’ and pick up where they left off. Thus, a 6-month trip around Southeast Asia is something I’m saving money for. The quicker it can happen, the better, so I’m looking into different means to have a job, without being tied down. Nothing that will keep from wanting to drop everything and leave for half a year. In my head, this is just as impractical as it sounds written down. But one of my worst fears is complacency. Complacency in work, complacency in relationships, complacency in life. The idea of settling on something because it’s safe and comfortable, hindering me from pursuing something bigger, better, the best, chills me to the bones.

Shoot, once again a tiny little update has turned into me spewing out thoughts right and left.

In brief, life as it looks now: chill in Milpitas, spend some time in self-improvement, meaning I am going to finally start cooking, and baking, and cleaning my room. :D I’m going to develop good habits, and go from there. I’m going to train for another marathon, which is happening June 6 in San Diego. I’m going to rediscover my love for leisure reading. I’m going to sew things. I’m going to draw more. And I’m going to figure out a master plan for my business. All while trying to save money for my 6 month trip, and mini trips in between. My ideology in life is to always aim high believing that it will all fall into place. Yes, aiming high means constantly being let down, failing expectations, what not. But better that then not living to my potential.

I suppose in a few years I will be back in China. God willing. With a business plan in motion. But for now, it will be a nomad, wandering around to the wherever I feel led. Until I return to China, or perhaps Asia in general, this will be my last piece of writing here. I had the time of my life there. And I can’t believe that it’s been 2 months already since I’ve left. That’s 1/3 of the total time I was there :O The highlights in short:

• successfully working in China, and biking 10+ miles to get there
• becoming a skilled bargainer, for the most part… until the shopkeepers angry faces started getting scary
• having some great classmates to push my Chinese beyond where I ever thought it would be
• maintaining a rather regular exercise regime despite everyone beforehand telling me running in Beijing would be impossible, which became true when it started freezing
• traveling to random parts of China with great friends
• regularly being able to attend an International Church, and meeting some of the most amazing people ever
• discovering that Beijing has some ridiculously cute coffee shops, contrary to popular belief… I mean my beliefs
• getting over how dirty street food is, having diarrhea for like 3 weeks, and then being able to eat whatever I wanted

It really was a grand time. No trip is without its ups and downs but without a doubt, the goods outweigh the bad.

The final set of pictures. (I lost my camera a month before I came back. I assume some Chinese person has it now :C but likely everyone else has cameras and flash drives)

the dish on the right is one of my favorites at one of my favorite restaurant

another really good restaurant. Kro's Nest.

why is food in China so good and so cheap?! take me back! please. Korean BBQ.

went snowboarding for the first time ever in Beijing...

one of my favorite signs. number 11 -- i can relate and so does the saying pride comes before a fall

i naively believed the second time around would be easier....

smoked hookah for the first time.. it's overrated

China came out with a non Disney Mulan. good, but hella Chinese propaganda

@ a Chinese movie theater smushed between my two favorites

China's Christmas spirit is a little weak, but in foreign populated areas they do alright..

our own little christmas party. keke. i think we're pretty cute in red.

homemade festive chocolate chip cookies... took Audrey and I all afternoon to make

I could have seen this lake in Beihai freeze over if I stayed in Beijing a TAD longer..

last trip to my favorite street in Beijing - Nanluoguxiang

and of course the trip is not complete without our favorite desserts

I have some ridiculously cute friends from church who threw Malissa and I a surprise farewell party. It wasn't so much of a surprise, but it's the thought that counts, right? [pictures from that night follow]

Suwen. BFFFFFF. not only an amazing cook, stuffed animal maker, painter, but an amazing friend.

you guys are precious <3

Ah. Reliving sophomore year poker playing frenzy. No party is complete without a game of poker

and some really bad dancing -___- hahha.

My favorite. Best friend! and workout buddy. and a really bad secret keeper

My other favorite!

I seriously do not know how I would have survived without Audrey. BIG HEART.

I hope that my time abroad has made me into a better person, with a bigger world view, a more compassionate heart, a more cultured brain, and everything else good. I hope that the city will continue growing, flourishing... without me (as I know it will), but when I return, I hope that it welcomes me back with loving arms. Because there really is much love in China. With this all said... Peace out… until China sees me again. <3

I'm back in California!

Some Things Never Grow Old

When I was a little kid, well, even at a not so little age, I used to get sick at least every other month. This occurred throughout high school resulting in me missing many many days of school, which I guess isn’t that bad. These bouts of sickness would also obviously come back every time I was about to go on vacation. Yes, the day before I go somewhere fun, somewhere exciting, somewhere I have been dreaming about for at least a few days… my body would mysteriously decide to pull a sore throat up on me… leaving me at the peak of my sickness during the trip. The last few years, I thought my body had finally matured, finally snapped out of this not so desirable way of getting sick, after all, with age comes… er… more immunities to sickness? Yea, not so much. If you guys recall, Shanghai trip in the summer. No exception to this rule. And this past week: Henan, likewise simply followed along with this stupid rule my body seems to be fond of.

a happy group of people at the beginning of the trip. I was happy too.

That’s not to say I didn’t see some pretty sweet things on the trip. The first day we go off to the Longmen Grottoes. I had no idea what to expect here, and we come to a place with tons of buddhas carved into the side of the mountain.

Many of these things...

Of course I’m thinking… wow these people had WAY too much time on their hands, maybe could have done something a bit more… useful with their time, no?

a wall full of mini Buddhas

so detailed! Gah!

Audrey, Jeff and I are bashing, half-jokingly, these people… when suddenly we come to this:

I’ve seen this before!!! In textbooks! Most likely in my MMW book (shout-out to ERC kids!!!) For all the million of other buddhas they carved, and every single one that we bashed on, this humongous one made it worth it. I’m not sure whether it’s because I’ve seen it in books, or because of the sheer size of the thing (the ear itself is supposed to be larger… taller … stronger… (ok, not stronger) than the average human being. But here I was standing there like a true tourist, gaping at the Big Buddha. Lucky for me, there wasn’t a million other people there. Only a couple hundred…

we couldn't resist, had to sneak behind the rail...

That same day we went to Yuntai Mountain. I admit the scenery here was pretty nice. Waterfalls, caves, bridges, stones, trees, rushing water…

so tranquil...

Yey! with my sick buddy Malissa. :D

Ugh, i look deceptively happy at this point. No, actually i was. It was all so pretty!

human nature really is quite the … scene. At this point in our trip, I already wasn’t feeling too hot. Or maybe better words would be feeling a little too hot. Just a small fever... nothing some walking around wouldn’t take care of… so I thought. After walking for a few hours, and then climbing up stairs for about an hour, and back down, I felt GREAT.

some very steep steps to go up..

and equally steep steps going down (of course they are the same stairs)

and more steep stairs coming down. I love the look of terror on Audrey's face... teheh

At that point I would have been an advocate of exercise to cure sickness. However, a couple hours on a tour bus later, I was dead. Feverish, headaches, chills, coughs, runny/stuffy nose (it couldn’t seem to decide what it wanted to be). Nothing a good nights sleep couldn’t take care of, right? WRONG. The next morning I woke up (after a terrible nights sleep, dreaming the weirdest, most troubling things ever) with the world’s greatest headache, at least in my books. My tour guide comes in, freaks out when she touches my forehead. Her reaction after taking my temperature: 40 degrees Celsius!? We are going to the hospital right now. Running back and forth only a couple times to see different doctors (the hospital situation in china is quite different, and dare I say less efficient and effective), to get my blood tested, I finally escaped the hospital after they gave me shot in the butt, while I sat on a super sketchy wooden chair. Okay, that’s enough details about the hospital, and about this sickness… let’s just says the past week has not been pleasant, lots of time in my room. But I’m doing better, minus the fact that every time I step outside my nose turns into a faucet again. It’s consistently at 0 degrees Celsius here.

our sickness/coldness mask :D

This is very random – and I think of this because I was about to say it’s so cold that I would never want anyone from California to come over here… I’m not sure how I’m surviving this cold, but then … I heard that plane tickets over here are only 650 dollars. ROUND TRIP. Yes. 650. They are usually close to 1000. :D okay, that’s my shameless plug. Plan a trip, I promise to take care of you once you’re here… especially since now I am no longer a working person. So besides school, I am FREE.

Before this random insert I was talking about my trip to Henan. So basically the hospital trip was the last thing that I did in that province. My classmates got to see the city Kaifeng while we were there, supposedly it’s pretty and fun; but all I got to see was the hospital in Kaifeng, which was not pretty nor fun.

Back in Beijing, things have gotten continuously chillier. October 31 was the first time I experienced true cold, as I know it to be. For Halloween, a few friends and I went to an amusement park (Happy Valley) to … torture ourselves … in the cold. It was sort of overrated – too many people, no rides open, there wasn’t even anything slightly scary to help me forget how cold it was. I miss trick-or-treating for sure. But in all… it was alright, got to hang out with some friends, and freeze.

this was at the beginning of the night, before we realized how cold it could be.

of course though, with friends (ellie) the cold becomes... less cold.

Yea, okay, I’ve mentioned cold, freezing, cold, and more freezing a lot. It wasn’t that great. It was so cold… that I froze. Haha. Just kidding… enough. Now in all seriousness, it was so cold that the next day it snowed! For the first time ever, I saw snow fall from the sky, and slowly cover the ground, and the trees, the buildings, in a beautiful white sheet.

For someone who hates cold as much as I do, I surprisingly like snow, especially when it is falling from the sky. Snowball fights, snowmen, snow angels… its all so much fun. If it snowed in San Diego, maybe once in a while, but maintained it’s low of 10 degrees Celsius on other occasions, I would without a doubt argue that San Diego has hands down the best weather. (Yes, I realize that was redundant, but all to say, I would love it)

I was so excited to see snow i ran outside to take a picture of this. exciting i know.

I'm pretty sure this was the snowball Nelson was gonna throw at me...but didn't. Lucky for him.

Our really ugly ... i mean beautiful (of course) snowman named Fredrick.

Anyways, I digressed as usual. Before the weather gets worse, (degree wise, it supposed to maintain constant; but wind speed is supposed to pick up, causing the cold to STING your face), anyways… before the weather got any worse, I’ve finally managed to make it to the Summer Palace. This is probably one of my favored tourist places, maybe because of the sheer size of the place, making all the tourists that were there, seem less, because they were all over the place. It’s such a pretty place though, although the amount of money they must have spent on the place has to be in the … disgusting range. One of the empress, Empress Dowager, took a lot of tax money to redecorate, add to, and what not, this place, just so her ‘summer palace’ could be … like this.

the lake was massive. I've gotten to hang out with Crystal here in Beijing!

entrance to the thing... with a good number of tourists.

He was writing chinese phrases on the ground with water. Pretty sick.

pretty bridge that connects different parts of the place. has wedding spot potential. :p

this Marble boat makes absolutely no sense to me.. really? marble boat?

So as old things go, I still haven’t managed to learn how to be a good college student. I thought last year, I had finally gotten over the procrastinating, waiting till the last minute to study, yada yada, but nope. Most of this was written BEFORE my midterm, and I also managed to churn out a number of emails as well. WHY?! And to make matters worse, I don’t know if any of you guys remember my addiction with watching dramas … end of junior year, but that has come back to haunt me again. Deng it. Lately, it’s been “How I Met Your Mother,” “The Big Bang Theory” and “Glee.” But I guess once I finish them; I’ll stop. Ha. GAH. I need to sign a contract with someone to make me stop. Or at least limit myself. Self-restraint… self-restraint Michelle!

It’s probably not just the dramas though. It doesn’t help that this is my last quarter of college, and I thought I had senioritis spring quarter… but nope. I have senioritis right now. And I have it BAD. I just do things like clubbing, go-carting, working, movie watching, and eating... all instead of studying, researching and paper writing -- which really does need to get done (although I cannot forget that I am an ERC student... and thus 25 page papers do not intimidate me in the least. THAT'S RIGHT independent study project!... :x I mean, I should probably start tomorrow)

go-carting hella gives me a rush. and i get way too competitive. trust me, you don't want to be in my way...

the face can be deceiving... i know ;p

but this is the price I am willing to pay to win. the nastiest bruise up to date.

went to watch the Beijing Marathon. Look at all those old Chinese men going! I'm determined to run another one... soon.

celebrating Ellie's birthday! I caked her good that day :p

happy birthday jason! this night probably didn't help my sickness at all.

hosting a mixer even for work... how fun.

managing to still bike around sometimes. found a sign that says: "love Beijing, ride bikes"

As for future plans, I can’t guarentee there will be another blog in the horizon, I’d like to think I will write one more before America sees my face again, but, as old things go… I don’t know if that’ll happen. General update on my plans: I’ve applied to work at the 2010 World Expo in Shanghai. If I get that, I’ll be back in Milpitas for a few months before returning to … here.

If not, then thus begins the search for a JOB… anywhere. Suggestions are welcomed.

I really do miss everyone from home, and I can’t wait to see everyone. Till I do, much love.

and this is just because I've been thinking about old things... freshmen year of college with the first roomie: SARA!!!! some things really do never grow old; I still giggle every time I see this picture..